by Shaun Spalding
An adaptation of Romeo and Juliet, written by a 14-year-old. Directed by a 22-year-old. Starring a genius.
This was a fun way to spend an afternoon or two. I even have a speaking part around minute 11.
Law School has a way of stealing from you everything you hold dear. Goodbye family, friends, the Internet. See you in May.
by aussiegall
25 Random Facts about Bees.
by Andrew Tan and Shaun Spalding*
Rules: Once you’ve been tagged… you are supposed to read a note with 25 random facts about bees. I’ve chosen to tag you because I’d like you to get to know bees better.
1. Bees can fly.
2. Academically, many bees do not exceed the bee average.
3. Africanized bees are said to be happy with Obama’s stimulus package.
4. In common parlance, bees always come after A’s
5. BB guns do not shoot bees because of safety concerns.
6. BB King is not a bee, as bees are typically ruled by a Queen
7. The number of paternity tests required to determine the King Bee would be 40,000 to 50,000
8. Akeela and the Bee is not about a girl and her pet bee
9. Bea Arthur, best known as TV’s “Maude,” is the star of the popular bee-related sitcom Golden Grahams
10. Most children are capable of spelling “bees”
11. Bees have 6 legs, 2 eyes, 2 wings, 2 E’s and 1 B
12. A Single bee can live up to 8 weeks but it will die lonely
13. The past participle for bee is beeen
14. Folk expirementalist beck is not a bee. If beck were a bee he would be called Beek
15. No bee has ever worn vertical stripes.
16. Bee keepers are given suits to keep them away from yellow jackets
17. Bee Major is the most famous band leader of the bee army.
18. Despite their ethnic backgrounds, no European Honey Bees are considered WASPs
19. Bees do not use brushes, they prefer honeycombs.
20. The Charlotte Hornets are neither bee nor hornet. They are a basketball team.
21. The hive’s motto: “Bee whatever you want to Bee”
22. A bee’s stinger is not its reproductive organ.
23. (from wikipedia) Bees are a monophyletic lineage within the superfamily Apoidea, presently classified by the unranked taxon name Anthophila. Since it’s on Wikipedia, it’s not really a fact.
24. Bee Movie failed because it didn’t have enough buzz
25. No bee has ever mated with a bird and lived to tell the tale
*Special thanks to Cameron Boylston, Andrew Kamphey and Danny Djeljosevic
Four ways to boast about your law school grades WITHOUT actually boasting.
Good evening Mr. or Mrs. Legal Scholar!
I’m sure by now, your professors have made you aware that law school is about learning how to solve your client’s problems. I’m also sure your classmates have made you aware that law school is really about out-competing your friends and making them jealous of the unlimited capacity of your legal brain.
Is there any way you can satisfy your burning desire to show people you’re better than them WITHOUT exposing yourself as the type of person who has a burning desire to show people you’re better than them?
Using these four tips, you’re sure to achieve what you really came to law school for: to impress your peers with how much smarter you are than them.
by Adam-C
Tip 1. Make a shirt with your class rank on it, and wear it to class.
Get shirts printed with a number “1″ in the middle. Make five different colored shirts so you have one for every weekday. Be sure to make an extra one that you can wear at the library for your study group sessions on Saturdays.
When someone asks you about the shirt, casually imply that that mysterious number is actually your rank.
You: “Did I see you looking at my shirt?”
Classmate: “Excuse me, who are you?”
You: “I bet you’re wondering what the number on my shirt means.”
Classmate: “Hey man, I’m on the phone. Can you give me a minute?”
You: “Thanks for asking. It’s actually my class rank. The number 1 stands for me being number one in the class.”
Classmate: “You seriously made a shirt with your class rank on it?”
Are you a 1L, without a class rank yet? You’re not out of luck. Make a shirt with your GPA on the front and a breakdown of your school’s grade curve on the back. Then after class ranks are released in the summer, be sure to stitch your rank onto the shoulders of your shirts.
Tip 2. Post suggestive Facebook statuses
Don’t tell people directly what they can find out indirectly. People log in to Facebook because they’re just dying to hear other people’s business. Make your classmates unreasonable nosiness work for you.
When updating your Facebook status, be sure to be coy and oblique. For example, if you got an A in Civil Procedure, don’t say
“Shaun is happy he got an A in Civ Pro!”
That would be bragging, and that might make you look like a grade-hungry harpy. Instead, say something more indirect, like
“Shaun is soooo happy that only 4 other people got A’s in Civ Pro, because that means only 4 people will be able to get better jobs than him when we graduate.”
OR
“Shaun is mad! My push points in Civ Pro won’t count now because I already got a perfect score on the exam. Unfair!”
Tip 3. Hire someone else to start a rumor about your grades for you
by michellewegner
You’re already spending an ungodly amount every semester to attend law school, you might as well invest some money in something that really matters: making people jealous of you.
Hire a reputable classmate, preferably one who doesn’t raise her hand too much in class who others might find uppity. Make sure her grade is somewhere above the middle of the curve. Nobody will believe what someone at the bottom of the curve says about grades, because nobody ever believes what a stupid person says.
Pay this person a weekly stipend to bring you up in casual conversation with classmates.
Classmate: “Did you understand what the professor was saying about Prescriptive Easements?”
Girl You Hired: “I didn’t, but I’m sure Shaun did. Did you know he Am Jur’d Property? And Crim, too? He really knows a lot about the law. That’s why he does so well on exams. Please don’t tell anyone, what I just said. It’s a secret”
Judging by how quickly confidential information about anyone gets around the section, everyone will know within hours and will be hopelessly jealous of how big your law brain is.
Tip 4. Kill yourself and put your GPA in your suicide note
What if you’re not number one? What if you’re number three? There’s little hope that you’re going to be able to change things by next semester, so it’s better to cash out now before things get even worse.
When you’re writing your suicide note, be sure to put write your GPA at the end in a different color, and highlight it so it stands out. Also, be sure to stress how close your number three GPA was numerically to number one.
Have the note read publicly at the school’s grades party or during a career services lecture. You can probably find an example suicide note in your school’s career guide.
Example Suicide Note (DO NOT COPY):
“Dear family, friends, and classmates,
I loved you all! I only wish Professor Jones loved me enough to give me a reason to live. I know I probably upset you all by the manner in which I killed myself: swallowing my Torts book whole.
Yes, I had to dislodge my jaw, and yes, it was a slow, painful death; nevertheless, I learned a lot about pushing myself to the limit by swallowing a 1,400 page hardcover book in one bite. I think I learned more from killing myself than I would have ever learned from Professor Jones’s Torts I class.
Since I killed myself in Professor Jones office to teach him a lesson, could he sue my estate for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress? Maybe if he taught the subject better I’d actually know the answer to that question.
My only regret is my 3.89 GPA (written in red pen, highlighted). With only a 3.92, I would have beaten both Hannah Bodry and Daniel Pinchot, and I would have left this cruel world ranked number one.”
In conclusion:
Following these tips, you’re on your way to a fruitful law school career. No-one will ever realize how insecure you are that you judge your self-worth by your grades. They’ll only know how well you did and realize how much better you are than them. Isn’t that what being a lawyer is really all about?
Join me again in part two of this four part series: “Three easy ways to make your professor realize you’re smarter than him.”
My Day In Court.
photo by wallyg
A headline like, “Circuit City Bankrupt; Closes 567 Stores,” doesn’t hit as close to home when you’re in school and not looking for a job. If you do have a job, you’re one of the lucky ones. The self-doubt and rejection of not being able to find work gets replaced by the slightly less threatening specter of fear that you might be downsized or replaced by a computer.
None of that seemed to be relevant though during my visit to the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals until the bailiff announced the next case, Lowery v. Motor Works. Mr. Kelly, was the attorney representing Motor Works walked up in the standard black suit, yellow tie combination. He was a cookie-cutter small-time attorney: a middle-aged anglo-white man, a bit soft in the middle.
Then the bailiff announced, “Mr. Lowery will be representing himself.” Mr. Lowery, a middle-aged skinnish black man, walked up in street clothes and set his manila folder onto the podium.
Lowery: “Is it alright if Mr. Kelly goes first and then I go after?”
Judge: “It’s usually customary for the person bringing the case to go first. That’s you, Mr. Lowery.”
In an Appeals court, there’s a panel of judges instead of a jury. Two lawyers take turns speaking at a podium, and the judges get to respond back to them like a high-stakes high school debate. The three judges had different ways of coping with Mr. Lowery’s presence. One couldn’t stop twirling her water glass. The other woman tried to hide how tickled she by feigning seriousness. All three were looking pretty somber from the last case.
Lowery: “You all need to laugh some more! Smile. Have some fun.”
Judge: “It’s serious work”
Lowery: “I’m just saying…”
After that, the judge in the middle had a shit-eating giggle-face on for the rest of the hearing. He led the questioning.
Judge: “Go ahead sir.”
A few months ago, Mr. Lowery had been on the job making a delivery for his boss, Mike, when he got stuck in traffic. When he got back to headquarters late, Mr. Lowery said Mike fired him for no reason. Mr. Lowery’s big problem with getting the court to listen was simple: firing someone for “no reason” isn’t illegal.
Judge: “In California, if you’re an ‘at will’ employee — unless there’s an agreement to the contrary — you can be fired any reason or no reason…”
Lowery: “Well that’s the problem. I got fired for no reason.”
Judge Giggle-Face continued to explain the term ‘at will employee.’
Lowery:”‘At will employee?’ That should be abolished! I’m going to write a letter to President Barack Obama saying that this should be abolished. This is slavery.”
And then Judge Giggle-Face gently suggested that it was opposing counsel’s turn to speak. Apparently, Mr. Lowery had a history with Mr. Kelly.
Lowery: “You know he’s just gonna try to run his crapola.”
The three judges’ reactions made it clear that crapola had no place in their courtroom.
Lowery: “I’m sorry. I’m not a very good speaker. I’m kinda nervous.”
Judge: “You’re doing fine Mr. Lowery. You’ve made your points very clearly.”
Lowery: “I’m just gonna say before he gets up here, number one, I’m not gonna pay him any money. Lemme make that one thing clear. I’m gonna take this to the Supreme Court of the United States.”
With that, Lowery left the podium Mr. Kelly made his points short and sweet: his client Mike didn’t do anything illegal. When Mr. Lowery was allowed back up, he decided to direct his rebuttal toward Mr. Kelly instead of the judge.
Lowery: “Mr. Kelly! I heard him call Vietnamese people Gooks”
Judge: “Mr. Lowery, we’re over here.”
Lowery: “He talked to all these Vietnamese people like that… I just didn’t like it.”
Judge: “Is any of this information pertinent?”
Lowery (frustrated): “Does this this have something to do with my case?!”
Judge: “I thought your point was ‘at will’ should be changed.”
Lowery: “And it should. It should have to say something about it in the employee handbook or the work contract that you can get fired like that.”
And it went on like that with Mr. Lowery arguing about the unfairness of at will employment, apologizing for being nervous, and fleshing out details about the questionable character of Mike, his former employer. Then he made his closing statement:
Lowery: “I know you all are gonna rule against me. I know that’s usually what happens.”
Judge: “We’ll get back to you with a written decision within 90 days, Mr. Lowery.”
And then it was over. They recessed for lunch, and then there he was on the elevator talking to us — a bunch of law students — still making his case about the state of affairs in California, and the state of the economy, and how he’s really going to move back to Pennsylvania this time. He seemed like he just needed someone to listen — anyone — and if a judge wouldn’t do it, maybe we would.
Lowery: “I’m cool with you guys. You all have gotta do something about that ‘at will’ employment though, you know? Try and get it repealed.”
America lost 34,000 jobs when Circuit City announced it was closing all 567 stores last Friday. There are 34,000 Mr. Lowerys out there, and they’re all wondering what they did wrong. All we can tell them is that you can be fired for any reason or no reason. Sorry America, “Wrong place, wrong time.”
But Mr. Lowery isn’t gonna take that for an answer. He’s gonna find someone who’ll listen. He’s gonna fight for his job, and he’s going to keep swinging until he gets to the Supreme Court. Mr. Lowery isn’t just exercising his rights as an American. Mr. Lowery is America.
Exiting the building, we turned right towards campus. Mr. Lowery turned left, off into the sunset — maybe off toward Pennsylvania.
On the walk back, someone told me that Mr. Lowery had filed the exact same lawsuit against three other employers in the past. Whoops. Barbara, who was standing across from me and Mr. Lowery on the elevator, asked me if I noticed how much he smelled like whiskey. Not having a good sense of smell, I could only respond, “I’m not sure if it was whiskey. I think he just smelled in general.” Maybe there was a reason he was fired.
Mr. Lowery really is America.
She’s My Best Friend
A lot of people I hear from sound sad. Christmas and the New Year does that to people in a way that you don’t realize when you’re still young enough to look forward to presents and you’re barely able to stay up past midnight to watch the ball drop. They’re sad in a way you don’t really understand until you graduate college or the first year you spend a holiday away from home.
There’s a snack machine that sells lottery tickets at the grocery store. The last time I saw it, every roll of tickets — from Easy Money ($1) to Stars and Stripes ($5) — was sold out. The thought that the New Year will start while you’re living with the same problems of the old one makes people desperate. The open doors of infinite possibility for the future close a little bit more every January 1st. So what is there to be merry about this Christmas?
Living next door to a half-way house gives some perspective. Most days, out my window, I watch my neighbors live their lives of smoking and sulking. My bedroom faces out over their back porch where, rain or shine, they walk out two at a time and stand under the sun-umbrella to smoke. There’s a new guy or two every couple weeks. In some ways, the most recent New Guy is like all of the old guys: middle-aged, balding, and a smoker.
Their lives revolve around cigarettes. If you have cigarettes, it’s a good day; if you don’t have cigarettes, it’s like most days. The New Guy, like everyone else, talks about his money problems in terms of cigarettes:
New Guy: “Can I borrow a cigarette?”
[No response. Old Guy hands New Guy a cigarette.]
New Guy: “Yeah, alright! I’m gonna pay you back… Thursday.”
[No response. Old Guy makes a face at New Guy as if to say, “Is that so?”]
New Guy: “Yeah. Thursday. I gotta clean my sister’s house. Make 40 bucks. Get another pack of cigarettes.”
[No response. The two continue smoking in silence.]
At first, New Guy didn’t act much different than any of the old guys. A few days before that conversation, the old Filipino Woman (who speaks on the phone in Tagalog at 4am) approached one of the veteran Old Guys smoking on the porch:
Filipino Woman: “I wanted to trade you some coffee for some of your creamer?”
[No response from Old Guy]
Filipino Woman: “Do you want some coffee? I want to borrow some creamer.”
Old Guy (excited): “Cigarettes?”
Filipino Woman: “No. Creamer. For coffee.”
Old Guy (disappointed): “Oh?” His voice trailed off without answering her question. She walked back inside fed up.
While the old guys’ hopes and dreams are based primarily on the availability cigarettes, there’s something different about this New Guy.
The problem with eavesdropping through a window is that you don’t get all the details, so you have to fill them in yourself. You’re never listening until someone’s already said something out of the ordinary. On a Saturday two weeks ago, I caught the conversation at, “I love her. She’s my best friend.” That’s what made me look out the window. New Guy was talking to The Drummer: the guy who taps his feet when he smokes like a drummer keeping time. “After I got divorced. We met a little while after. I loved her from the minute I saw her, man.” It blew my mind. He had something to say that wasn’t about cigarettes. I kept listening in. “Yeah, man. She’s out there making money.”
Out “there”? Out where? He said something about truckers. He said something about Nevada. Vague bits and pieces stirred over the next few days of conversations until I realized that New Guy’s girlfriend works seasonally at a Bunny Ranch in Nevada. She’s a professional prostitute.
Every day I hear New Guy and The Drummer or any of the old guys are outside, New Guy pines over his girlfriend. “She’s my best friend,” he always adds to the conversation. The “conversations” are usually mostly one-sided because all everyone else talks about is cigarettes.
So what is there to be merry about this Christmas? What is there to look forward to this New Year? New Guy’s love and best friend travels from San Diego to Nevada to make money sleeping with strangers. New Guy might be employed. He might not be. Either way, he can’t afford his own cigarettes. But when he talks about her, for those few moments on the porch, he’s more excited than anyone has ever been in that house about anything. (Except for the night the woman shrieked in her bedroom for an hour, and we almost called the police).
The old guys eagerly anticipate getting the cigarettes they don’t have. When life doesn’t provide them, it gives them another reason to be unhappy. New Guy — middle-aged, balding, broke, living in a house full of transients — looks at what he does have: a best friend that took him over 40 years and a divorce to find.
Maybe January 1st would be less depressing if we concentrate on what we have instead of what we want. Some days you’ll have cigarettes, and some days you won’t. The new year doesn’t just close off possibilities, it’s creates new, unexpected ones. Maybe next year you’ll quit smoking entirely.
Copyright © 2007 Is It Obvious?. All rights reserved.
Out popped a dozen people in dark windbreakers identifying them as feds -- agents from Homeland Security and Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Some raced to the loading docks. Others hurried through the front door. All were armed.
